Why I Hate Most Kids’ Movies (But Love the Good Ones)
Okay, full disclosure: I’m not a parent. I’m not even an aunt or an uncle. I’m just some guy named Greg who’s spent the last 20+ years in the entertainment industry, and I’ve seen a lot of kids’ movies. Like, a lot. And honestly? Most of them are garbage.
But look, it’s not all doom and gloom. There are some gems out there. I mean, who doesn’t love Toy Story? But we’ll get to that later. First, let’s talk about why most kids’ movies suck.
I remember sitting through The Emoji Movie a few years back. It was a Tuesday, and I was in some theater in Austin. I think it was Austin. Maybe it was Dallas. Doesn’t matter. Point is, I was there, and I was miserable. The plot was non-existent, the jokes were terrible, and the animation was just… meh. I turned to my friend, let’s call him Marcus, and said, “Marcus, this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.” And he said, “Greg, it’s a kids’ movie. It’s not supposed to be Shakespeare.” Which… yeah. Fair enough. But still.
Here’s the thing: kids’ movies don’t have to be high art. But they do have to be good. They have to entertain the kids, sure, but they also have to entertain the adults who are forced to watch them. And most of the time, they don’t.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Let me tell you about the time I saw Frozen. It was 2013, and I was at some conference in Vegas. I don’t remember why I was there, but I do remember seeing Frozen and thinking, “Okay, this is actually pretty good.” The animation was top-notch, the story was engaging, and the songs? Catchy as hell. I mean, I still can’t get “Let It Go” out of my head, and that was seven years ago.
But then there’s The Smurfs. Ugh. Don’t even get me started on The Smurfs. I saw it with a colleague named Dave, and we both walked out feeling like we’d been robbed. The humor was juvenile, the plot was nonsensical, and the CGI was just… off. It was like watching a bad dream come to life. And the worst part? It made $563 million worldwide. $563 million! What is wrong with people?
And don’t even get me started on the live-action remakes. I mean, Aladdin? Beauty and the Beast? Dumbo? Look, I get it. Nostalgia sells. But at what cost? The originals were perfect. Why ruin them with unnecessary remakes?
The Secret to a Great Kids’ Movie
So what makes a kids’ movie good? I’m not sure I can answer that. I mean, it’s not like there’s a secret formula or anything. But I think it has to do with heart. And humor. And maybe a little bit of magic.
Take Inside Out, for example. That movie was a masterclass in storytelling. It was funny, it was heartwarming, and it was smart. It tackled some pretty heavy themes, but it did so in a way that was accessible to kids and adults alike. And the voice acting? Perfect. I still laugh every time I think about Lewis Black as Anger.
But then there’s The Lego Movie. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Greg, that’s not a kids’ movie.” And you’re right. It’s not. But it’s also one of the best movies I’ve seen in the last decade. The humor is sharp, the animation is creative, and the story is… well, it’s about Legos. But it works. It just works.
And look, I get it. Not every kids’ movie can be a masterpiece. But they can at least be good. They can at least try. And when they do, it’s magical. It’s like when you’re at a restaurant in Vegas, and you stumble upon a hidden gem. You know, like the ones you can find in a Las Vegas restaurants best rated review. Suddenly, you’re not just watching a movie. You’re experiencing something special.
A Tangent: The Dark Side of Kids’ Movies
But here’s the thing about kids’ movies: they can also be dark. Like, really dark. I mean, have you seen Coraline? That movie terrified me, and I’m a grown man. The stop-motion animation is stunning, but the story? It’s a nightmare. And yet, kids love it. They eat it up. It’s like they have some kind of sixth sense for darkness.
I remember watching Coraline with a group of friends. We were all in our 30s, and we were all scared out of our minds. One of my friends, let’s call her Sarah, kept covering her eyes and peeking through her fingers. It was like watching a horror movie, but with more buttons for eyes. And the worst part? The Other Mother. Ugh. I still get chills just thinking about her.
But that’s the thing about kids’ movies. They can be dark, they can be scary, and they can be downright disturbing. But they can also be beautiful, and heartwarming, and full of wonder. It’s a weird dichotomy, but it’s what makes them so special.
The Future of Kids’ Movies
So what’s next for kids’ movies? I’m not sure. I mean, I don’t have a crystal ball. But I do know this: as long as there are kids, there will be kids’ movies. And as long as there are kids’ movies, there will be people like me, sitting in theaters, judging them.
And you know what? That’s okay. Because someone has to do it. Someone has to sit through the bad ones so that the good ones can shine. And who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll find a kids’ movie that’s so good, it changes my mind about the whole genre. Maybe it’ll be a movie about Legos, or emojis, or even Smurfs. But until then, I’ll keep watching, and I’ll keep judging. It’s what I do.
And hey, if you’re a parent, or an aunt, or an uncle, or just someone who loves kids’ movies, I salute you. I really do. Because let’s be honest: watching kids’ movies is a committment. It’s a physicaly and emotional investment. But it’s also a labor of love. And in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about?
About the Author: Greg Davis is a senior editor with over 20 years of experience in the entertainment industry. He’s seen it all, from the good to the bad to the downright ugly. When he’s not watching kids’ movies, he’s probably complaining about them. You can find him on Twitter @GregDavisWrites.
